Navigating Love, Loss, and New Beginnings

There’s a particular kind of quiet that follows a hard decision. Not the peaceful kind — the other kind. The kind that sits in your chest like something half-finished, waiting for you to figure out what comes next.

I’ve been living in that quiet for a little while now. And I’ve decided the best thing I can do with it is write.

So here we go.

On Love, Loss, and Knowing When to Walk Away

I want to start with the harder part, because pretending it isn’t there would be dishonest — and if you’ve read even a word of this blog, you know I don’t do dishonest.

I’m single again.

I made that choice. I want to say that clearly, not because it softens the blow (it doesn’t), but because owning it matters. I chose to end a relationship with a man I loved deeply — and I mean deeply, in that bone-level way that catches you off guard at your age, when you thought you had yourself pretty well figured out.

He was also one of my dear friends for ten years.

It would have been a beautiful story, except for the parts that weren’t. There were entanglements with his ex-wife — complicated, ongoing, and consequential — that he didn’t disclose before things shifted into something more than friendship. He gave me the truth in small pieces, one careful bit at a time, which is its own kind of manipulation, whether intentional or not. By the time I had the full picture, I was completely under his spell. I was already in love.

And so I had to make the hardest call: walk away from someone I loved because the relationship — in all its real and complicated beauty and fullness — did not serve me. Would never serve me. Could not, as long as those entanglements remained. And, she is “dug in” and isn’t going anywhere…guaranteed!

Leaving was the saddest thing I’ve ever done. Not because I didn’t know it was right — I did, I do — but because it cost me more than just a romance. It cost me a friendship I treasured for a decade, and that friendship cannot be restored. Trust, once broken that thoroughly, doesn’t come back. It just leaves a shaped space where something good used to be.

I let myself feel all of that. I’m still feeling it.

And then I got up.

Because here’s what I know after all these years of roaming: grief is real and necessary, but it is not the destination. I will be fine. I have always been fine, even in the seasons that didn’t look like it from the outside. I will love again — fiercely, foolishly, hopefully — even if it happens five minutes before I drop dead. That’s not denial. That’s faith. And I’ve earned every ounce of it.

The sun has set

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On Flying Solo — and the Beautiful Business of It

Now for the part that’s been making me wake up early in the morning with a brain on fire.

I have news.

After six years of doing good work for other people — and I mean it, genuinely good work, work I’m proud of — I’ve decided to fly solo again. Or rather, solo-ish. Because I’ve learned that the best adventures, in life and in business, are better when you bring good people along.

I am launching a small tour company. You may have already guessed the name.

Free and Roaming.

Yes — this blog, this community, this little corner of the internet where we’ve been talking about independence and adventure and the audacity of still wanting more out of life — it’s becoming something bigger. My collaborators in this venture are people I trust, and together we are building something I’m genuinely excited about: small, curated, thoughtfully designed tours for the discerning traveler.

Not the kind where you’re shuffled through forty attractions in four days with a laminated name tag around your neck.

The kind where you experience the destination. Where the itinerary has been built with care and curiosity and a real understanding of what it feels like to have a little expendable income, a lot of wanderlust, and a deep desire to actually immerse yourself in a culture rather than just photograph it.

We’re talking small groups. Beautiful locales. Travel that feels intentional and personal and a little bit like a gift you give yourself.

More details — routes, dates, how to get on the list — are coming soon. But I wanted you to know. I wanted the people who have been reading these words and nodding along to be the first to hear it.

On Change, as it is…the Whole Point

Here’s what I’ve come to understand about this particular season of my life: the heartbreak and the business launch are not separate stories. They’re the same story.

They’re both about deciding, once again, that I am not finished. That I am not too old or too tired or too scarred to build something new. That I can hold loss and possibility in the same two hands and keep moving forward anyway.

I believe in love. I still do, stubbornly, cheerfully, without apology. I think the right relationship finds you when you’re busy living your actual life — not waiting for it, not arranging yourself around someone else’s comfort, but out in the world, doing the things that light you up. And what lights me up is travel, always has, always will. Movement. Curiosity. The moment you arrive somewhere and everything feels slightly unfamiliar and completely alive.

So that’s where I’ll be. Planning and escorting tours. Writing about it. Showing up for the life I want, with my whole heart, while leaving the door open for whatever — or whoever — wants to join me on the journey.

Adventure doesn’t expire. Curiosity keeps us young. And resilience? Resilience is just love in work clothes.

Come along for the ride.

Yours in faith and fun, and still blessed to be…

Free and Roaming

I’ll be fine!

“I’ll be fine.”

It’s my reflex. My shield. My exit line.

Whenever someone asks if I need help, that’s what comes out of my mouth—quick, practiced, convincing. Sometimes I even add, “I always am,” just to close the door neatly.

Here’s the truth: I’m not always fine. I’m just very good at appearing that way.

For a long time, “I’ll be fine” meant please don’t look too closely. It meant I don’t want to be a burden. It meant I’ve handled everything on my own before, so why stop now?

Many women my age know this line by heart. Especially those of us who are single, widowed, divorced, or emotionally alone even when surrounded by people. We learned early how to be capable. How to manage. How to endure. Somewhere along the way, independence stopped being empowering and quietly became armor.

And armor is heavy.

The Cost of Always Being Fine

When you say “I’ll be fine” long enough, people stop asking. Not because they don’t care—but because you’ve trained them to believe you’ve got it handled.

Inside, though, you might be tired. Or lonely. Or quietly wishing someone would insist, just once.

I used to believe needing help meant I had failed at something. Failed at strength. Failed at adulthood. Failed at being the woman I was supposed to be.

But that belief kept me isolated. Strong, yes—but sealed off.

What I’m Learning Instead

I’m learning that accepting help is not weakness. It’s honesty.

I’m learning that letting someone see inside me doesn’t make me fragile—it makes me real.

Most importantly, I’m learning that I am worthy of care even when I’m not at my best. Even when I don’t have a plan. Even when I don’t know how I’ll get through the next thing.

Some of this learning came from an unexpected place.

I met someone recently—someone who has known me for nearly ten years. We’ve crossed paths, shared history, known the outlines of each other’s lives. But during all that time, I was armored. Capable. Fine.

Recently, he caught a glimpse of my softer self—the part of me I rarely let out. Instead of turning away, he leaned in. He asked me to soften. To show that part of me more.

And then he said something that stopped me cold.

He said he found it attractive.

Not my competence. Not my resilience. My softness.

It dawned on me that for all those years, he hadn’t seen me as a viable mate—not because I wasn’t worthy, but because I hadn’t allowed myself to be seen. Armor may protect you, but it also hides you.

This didn’t happen overnight. It happened in small, uncomfortable moments—pausing before saying “I’ll be fine,” and instead saying, “Actually, this is hard.” Or, “I could use company.” Or simply, “Thank you.”

Those words felt foreign at first. Vulnerable. Risky.

They still do.

For the Woman Who Feels Alone

If you’re reading this and thinking, She’s talking about me, I want you to hear this clearly:

You don’t have to earn love by being unbreakable.

You don’t have to prove your worth by doing everything alone.

And you don’t have to be fine to be deserving of kindness.

Strength isn’t disappearing into yourself. Strength is allowing connection. Even when it’s awkward. Even when you’re scared of being seen.

A Different Ending

I still say “I’ll be fine” sometimes. Old habits die slowly.

But more often now, I’m learning to say something truer.

“I’m figuring it out.”

“I’m open.”

“I’m worthy of love.”

And here’s the quiet miracle: when you let yourself receive—really receive—you discover you were never meant to do this life alone.

Not at 25.

Not at 50.

Not ever.

You don’t have to be fine.

You just have to be willing.

Yours in faith and fun, and still blessed to be…

Free and Roaming

Reflections on Five Years of Change and Growth

I am remiss. I love this blog. I love everything about it and I’ve virtually ignored it for almost 5 years. I’m ashamed and sad and all sorts of other passing emotions I cannot put a finger on but alas June 30th is a big anniversary and that prompts me to start…yet again. So here’s a 5 year rapid rundown.

We lost our precious Jazzy

God delivered me when I didn’t think it possible. Ten years ago I thought my life was over and it was really just beginning. In the past 10 years I’ve won, lost, gained, lost, loved, lost, and I’m still standing. I’m tired of building character and I often feel like it’s “my turn” but ultimately I’m not in control. God is in control and he has delivered me back to the land of health and solvency.

Fighting Covid and it’s economic effects was an 18,800 kilometer ordeal. I started in Costa Rica where I had finally moved full time to my adorable condo in Playas del Coco. I sold my Rolex and installed a stunning kitchen…I was all set. I headed to Orlando to a conference where I was confident I could build a new career based on the training I received at ITMI. It was a hugely successful trip and I managed to cobble together a years worth of profitable work between over the road tours and a coveted Guest Speaker position aboard American Cruise Lines. I was stoked to say the least. After a disastrous stint on the Yangtze River in China as a Cruise Director I was dying to get back on the water. My recovery was almost complete…then…Covid. I did not see my condo again for over two years and I only went back to prep it for sale. More loss.

But is there really light at the end of the tunnel? What no one warns you about is that the tunnel doesn’t end—it branches, twists, and multiplies into an endless maze of choices. There are no signs, no maps, no whispers of which path leads to peace and which one dead-ends in chaos. You stumble down one, hopeful, only to realize it’s the wrong one—and the journey back? It bruises you. It humbles you. But it sharpens you, too. You gather wisdom along the way, sure, but it never quite arms you for the next crossroad. Every decision still feels like a shot in the dark. It all feels like guesswork—wild, desperate, deeply human guesswork. And yet, somehow, amid the confusion, you learn. You learn to stop sprinting toward an exit and start standing still. You breathe. You begin to live in the now.

And that? That’s the key that unlocks everything.

Here I sit in Kingsport Tennessee

 

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I’m spending time on the blog today, something I have neglected terribly.  I’ll backtrack later on my 2018 travel season.  But for now, I would like to tell you a little about Kingsport, Tennessee and the surrounding area known as the Tri-Cities.

I arrived Sunday to see my brother Scott and sis-in-law Stacy.  They picked me up in Charlotte, North Carolina which is 3 hours and 17 minutes away!  I fly into Charlotte because I try and refuse to fly any airline but Southwest Airlines.  They must like me or really need a dog sitter.  We drove back and stopped for dinner at a groovy place in Johnson City, Tennessee called White Duck Taco Shop.  We all had different tacos.  I recommend the Thai Peanut Chicken or the Shrimp Diablo (have water handy!).  The restaurant is located in the historic and newly fancied-up Tweetsie Railroad Depot; adjoining the Yee-Haw Brewing Taproom.  The Duck offers skee ball, bocce ball, and plenty of outdoor seating with a fire-pit.

My brother Scott gets wound up once a week at the prospect of beer and whiskey night at Stir Fry Cafe where on Tuesday they have craft drafts starting at $2 for a pint and whiskey shots starting at $5.  Wednesdays and Saturdays feature half-price sushi!  Yummers!

Lunch specials can be had any day at The Main Street Pizza Company where we had a small salad and a slice for a very reasonable price and it was mighty tasty.

We had to walk off all of that food so my brother and I took the pup Jazz to the The Kingsport Green Belt for a nice and reasonably easy morning hike.  Lot’s of Eastern Bluebirds, woodpeckers and waterfalls.

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My journey here continues for many more weeks.  Looking forward to telling you all about it!

Wishing you a Happy New Year from Free and Roaming.